I am strong willed. I want to do things my way. I also have always had a stubborn conscience that has frequently contended with my will. When my will and my conscience have conflicted, I have strived to overcome the way of my will and obey the will of my conscience. Like any human being, I haven’t always succeeded, and my will has overcome my conscience (sometimes frequently), but never without a fight.
When I did violate my conscience, I sacrificed the comfort of lying to myself and saying that my rebellious thoughts, words, and deeds were good things. I admitted to myself and to other people that I was doing wrong and accepted the guilt that came with it. Then one day I found forgiveness through Jesus Christ, and I sacrificed my will to follow Him. I began to frequently pray a very frightening prayer: “Jesus, do whatever you need to do to me to be able to do what you want to do through me.”
He has answered that prayer. Jesus has miraculously let many doors close in my life that I have greatly wanted to go through. That has left me broken, disappointed, and humbled. In my brokenness I have cried out desperately for His presence, His comfort, and His inner healing. Christ has responded in such a way as to fil me with “peace that passes understanding” and “joy unspeakable and full of glory.” Now when I look back at the closed doors in my life, I am greatly grateful to Jesus because had those doors not been closed, I would have missed out on the beautiful intimacy with Christ that they drove me to and on the many incredible alternative blessings that came my way.
Through all the sacrifices, I’ve learned to trust in Jesus and He has never let me down. I woke up this morning with this short poem forming in my heart. It tells my story.
When a human heart
Is kept in tune with Christ
Life is a symphony
Of inner harmony
And never-ending hope.
After writing this post, my wife and I took communion together. As we did, I felt prompted to break the small wafer before I ate it. I felt like the Lord was telling me that to truly take the Lord’s Supper is to be so personally aware of the brokenness of Christ on the Cross that I can receive and embrace His brokenness with my own brokenness.
Immediately after eating the wafer and drinking the juice, I looked up and saw a big redheaded woodpecker pecking near the top of a four-story-tall dead tree trunk. It seemed like a sign. Its head covered with red reminded me that I need to have my mind continually renewed by the blood of Jesus. I need Christ’s perspective so I can die to my own desires, opinions, and perspective.
When I embrace the brokenness in my life and persistently knock on Heaven’s door like the woodpecker, the dead wood of the Cross sustains and shelters me. It’s not just a religious symbol. It’s a demonstration of Christ’s willingness to be meek and lowly in heart so that He can carry my brokenness. When I let His Cross connect with the brokenness in my heart I experience the miraculous power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings being conformed to His death.” (Philippians 3:10.) Then His life (“Christ in you, the hope of glory,”) surges through me like rivers of living water!